But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
