Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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