Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
