i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
