I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
