He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
