I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
