a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
