and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
