why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
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