I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
