I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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