Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
