How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
