Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Randomize
