i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
