I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
