; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
