his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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