How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
