i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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