Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I want her autograph on my taint
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
