you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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