There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Randomize
