if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We named our party play list daddy issues
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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