I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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