well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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