you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
