she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
