tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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