You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
