I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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