saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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