dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
