she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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