Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
