we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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