The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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