i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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