How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
