You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
