you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
