God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
