Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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