She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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