I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
