I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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