i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
