Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
