my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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