he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
